Written By Tina Nellis
I was asked to write this by Harrison Crecraft, little more than a week ago. I must admit I was a bit stumped for ideas at first - I usually take ages to write fanfics - but I suddenly got a good one, and it just had to be written. Most of this is a dream sequence of Rachel's, so when I say so, we're in dream land. I suppose you could think of it as Rachel remembering how she and Ross got back together, and imagining what the other characters might do when she's not around, hence the entire Joey fiasco, through a dream (although the last few lines of the last dream scene isn't a real memory, but a distorted one) - dreams are your subconcious making itself known, don'tcha know. :) Anyways, hope you enjoy it. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me. :)
Webmaster's Note: Tina's selected title was "The One With Joey's Teddy". Enjoy!
[SCENE: Ross and Rachel's bedroom. Ross and Rachel are in bed, watching TV - from the music we gather that they are watching Star Wars.]
RACHEL: [in amazement] How does he do that?
ROSS: What?
RACHEL: That whole... light saber thing. I mean, he just holds it, and out pops this laser... thing!
ROSS: Well, it's probably just an illusion. In reality, a light could never hurt someone, because it has no actual physical properties...
[Rachel looks at him, bemused.]
ROSS: [off Rachel's look] I should shut up about science stuff, shouldn't I?
[The movie finishes - indicated, again, by the music coming from the TV.]
RACHEL: [sarcasm] Well, that was fun... for the 50 millionth time!
ROSS: Sorry! I'm not the one who decided it was going to be on every network 4 times a year!
RACHEL: No, but you ARE the one who insists we sit through it 4 times a year!
[Ross changes the channel using the remote.]
ROSS: What else is on here?
RACHEL: Something about... [yawns] something.
ROSS: [off the TV] Look! They've got an ER marathon on! This'll be great - I can watch it and wonder how they learn all that medical crap, and you can talk about how gorgeous the male doctors look - like every other female in the world...
RACHEL: Actually, I'm tired.
ROSS: Really?
RACHEL: Yeah, you kinda get like that after midnight. Can you turn it down?
ROSS: Yeah, sure.
[Rachel lies down like she's going to go to sleep, with her head on Ross's chest, and Ross puts his nearest arm around her. Ross goes to turn the TV down, but instead turns it waaaaaaaaaaaay up. Rachel's eyes suddenly open very wide at this, and she looks up at the TV.]
RACHEL: [straining to make herself heard over the TV] Honey! I said DOWN!!!
ROSS: Sorry! It's this new TV - the remote's completely warped!
RACHEL: [annoyed] Oh, like that makes a difference! Very simple - the volume decreaser has a button all to itself!
ROSS: But I'm used to the other remote, which has the buttons in completely different places!
[Ross turns the TV down this time, and Rachel appears to calm down. They settle back in the positions they were in before.]
ROSS: Sorry. [beat] You really don't like anything getting in the way of your sleep, don't you?
RACHEL: Sorry, I'm just really tired. These early mornings are really getting to me.
ROSS: Well, how about we take the day off tomorrow? Then we could sleep for as long as we want... [obviously hinting :)]
RACHEL: Ross, honey, in this case, as much as I'd like to, I think sleeping would actually have to mean *sleeping*, and not... other things.
ROSS: Okay. You catch up on all the sleep you want, then.
RACHEL: Fine. I'm starting now. 'Night.
ROSS: 'Night.
[They kiss, then Rachel closes her eyes to go to sleep. There's a moment of silence, then...]
RACHEL: Ross?
ROSS: Yeah?
RACHEL: Does Carter have a beard in that episode you're watching?
OPENING CREDITS
[SCENE: Rachel and Monica's (old) apartment. (We're into flashback land now.) Monica is looking through some letters, when Rachel enters from her bedroom.]
RACHEL: [sleepy] Morning, Mon.
MONICA: Morning. Do you know anything about this?
[Monica holds up one of the letters. Rachel takes it, looks at it for a second, then gives it back to her.]
RACHEL: No. [attempting to change the subject] How are things with Chandler?
MONICA: [warning] Rachel!
RACHEL: Oh, I let Joey call up his folks when they were in Italy.
MONICA: Every day?!
RACHEL: He missed his mom!
MONICA: And what was wrong with using his own phone?
RACHEL: There was a bar on international calls!
MONICA: Rachel, this is NOT good phone economics!
RACHEL: Oh, I'm gonna get Joey to pay for them! [stops, thinks for a minute about what she said] I'm going go see Chandler and get him to pay now!
[She exits just as Chandler enters from the bedroom.]
CHANDLER: Morning. [kisses Monica]
MONICA: Morning.
[Rachel re-enters - she obviously realised that Chandler was at her place.]
RACHEL: [to Chandler] Forgot you were gonna be here. [Monica and Chandler are just staring at her.] I'm gonna go back to bed now.
[Keeping her composure, Rachel calmly walks back into her room and shuts
the door. Chandler and Monica just shurg.]
[SCENE: Chandler and Joey's apartment, later on. The place appears to be deserted, when Chandler enters.]
CHANDLER: Joe? [no reply] Joey? [still no reply] JOEY!!!
JOEY: [from behind the door] Leave me alone!
[Chandler walks towards Joey's room, and opens the door. Cut to a close-up shot of Chandler in Joey's room.]
CHANDLER: Joey, it's 3 o'clock.
[Except it's really not - we can see a clock in the background, which says 10.00AM.]
CHANDLER: You need to get up, NOW!!! [beat] Is that a teddy bear?
[Cut to a shot of Joey, half asleep, hugging a teddy bear.]
CHANDLER: Don't tell me you've still got that thing!
[Joey sits up, still half-asleep, clutching The Teddy. :)]
JOEY: [re: teddy - in the way that only Joey can] His name is Lava The Super Teddy, and I love him!
[Chandler puts his thumb and index finger at the top of his nose, stressed - it's obvious that he already thinks this is gonna be a futile battle.]
CHANDLER: Oh, God! Listen, Joe, you're 29 years old. You've GOT to get rid of that thing!
JOEY: Get rid of Lava? No way!
[He clutches Lava even tighter.]
CHANDLER: Alright, not get rid of him. But you've at least got to stop sleeping with him!
JOEY: [beat] But I'll miss him! And he'll miss me!
CHANDLER: Oh, why me? Look. I've been through trying to give up smoking at least three times, I can help. We'll work out a contingency plan, and we'll make sure that you don't miss the ted... Lava. [beat] And we'll make sure that Lava doesn't miss you.
JOEY: Okay. I'm going back to sleep now. [beat] And so is Lava.
[Chandler just sighs, and leaves, as Joey gets settled again.
With Lava. :)]
[SCENE: Central Perk. Ross, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the sofa, when Rachel enters.]
RACHEL: Hey, guys!
[They all say their hellos as she sits down in the chair.]
MONICA: How did the meeting go?
RACHEL: Oh, it was great! They actually wanted to hear my ideas!
MONICA: Oh, that's great.
RACHEL: Yeah, it was.
MONICA: [looks at her watch] We've gotta go now, haven't we Chandler?
CHANDLER: Yes. We've got dinner reservations.
ROSS: Where?
CHANDLER: Oh, that new restaurant, that does everything, haven't we, Mon?
MONICA: Yep! See you guys later.
[Chandler and Monica exit.]
ROSS: [to Rachel] "A new restaurant that does everything" meaning Monica's cooking him dinner in his apartment.
RACHEL: Yep, sounds like it!
[They laugh, but then Ross turns serious.]
ROSS: Listen, Rach, I wanted to talk to you about something.
RACHEL: Sure, what is it?
ROSS: Well, it's kind of a big thing, you sure you wanna hear it?
RACHEL: Ross, we're friends! You can tell me anything!
ROSS: Yeah, okay. Um... here goes. [He takes a deep breath as if to steel himself, then...] Remember how once, you said that...
[Just as Ross is saying this, Phoebe enters, interrupting him and Rachel.]
PHOEBE: Hi, guys! Look what I got!
[She pulls out a little bottle of something, and shows it to Ross and Rachel.]
RACHEL: Um... Pheebs? Is this... let's just say... an illegal substance?
PHOEBE: No! It's an aromatherapy oil. It says on the back that it's so powerful that it can make anyone tell the truth about anything.
ROSS: So... an illegal substance, then.
[On Phoebe's disgruntled face, we fade to...]
[SCENE: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey enters, to find Chandler sitting at a table and Monica cooking.]
JOEY: Hey, Mon, you're cooking dinner for me and Chandler? How nice is that, eh, Chandler?
[He pats Chandler on the back, to the bemusement of both Chandler and Monica - it's obvious they had intended for this dinner to be sans Joey. Joey looks at Chandler's bemused face, then Monica's, then puts two and two together and realises that it DOES make four. :)]
JOEY: Oh, did you two want to be alone?
CHANDLER: That was the intention, yes.
JOEY: Oh, okay then. Sorry.
[He turns to leave. Cut to the hallway, where he says...]
JOEY: I can't even be in my own apartment anymore! This "weaning me off Lava" thing really sucks!
[Ross and Rachel enter from the stairs.]
JOEY: [to Rachel] I've been kicked out of my own apartment, I'm bored out of my head, and I don't have... [stops short, instead of saying "Lava The Super Teddy" :)] the thing I need to not be bored. Can I paint something of yours?
[Both Ross and Rachel are completely stunned by this question.]
ROSS/RACHEL: What?!
JOEY: Well, you know how some people say sometimes that they're so bored that they could watch paint dry? Well, I wanna watch paint dry!
[Ross and Rachel look at each other, obviously trying to resist the urge to burst out laughing and/or make fun of this.]
RACHEL: Well, Joey, if that's the case, why don't you go ask Treeger if you can have his job as the super?
JOEY: You're kidding me, right? I'm bored, not desperate!
ROSS: Okay, then... why don't you come in and watch TV with us?
RACHEL: Yeah, we're gonna watch "World's Greatest Mangoes" and make fun of their owners.*
*[I *told* you it was a dream sequence! :) - Tina]
JOEY: Will the hosts be female?
RACHEL: [sighs] Yes...
JOEY: Will they be wearing typical female TV show host outfits?
ROSS: [typical "guy" tone] Oh, yes!
[He and Joey grin, as Rachel glares at Ross. Ross turns to Rachel, sees her look, then suddenly turns the grin off and looks something like a mixture of being ashamed, non-ashamed, and serious.]
ROSS: [off Rachel's look] Not that I know what they wear - after all, I don't pay attention to all that. [beat] I have a son!
RACHEL: Yeah, okay, Mr. Trebeck, are we gonna watch this or what?
[They go into Rachel and Monica's apartment. Cut to inside the apartment, where Joey and Ross immediately sit down on the sofa and turn on the TV, while Rachel goes to the fridge and gets out a bottle of something - presumably orange juice or something along those lines. She sees how Ross and Joey are making themselves comfortable and stares at them, and they turn and look at her, appearing puzzled as to why she is looking at them in the way she is.]
RACHEL: [sarcastic] Please, make yourselves at home.
ROSS/JOEY: Okay!
[They turn back and continue watching the TV. Rachel just sighs, walks over to the couch and sits down between Ross and Joey with her bottle.]
RACHEL: So, what are we watching? [beat] Besides over-sized mangoes, that is?
ROSS: Uh... nothing, really.
[At this point, we hear a TV announcer from the TV (funnily enough).]
TV ANNOUNCER: [V.O.] We regret to inform our viewers that tonight's programme "World's Greatest Mangoes" has been cancelled, due to unforseen circumstances. Here is Troy McMillan with a special news report.
JOEY: [disappointed] Oh, man, that was gonna be the highlight of my night!
[He gets up and heads for the door.]
JOEY: Oh, well, I guess I'll just go to the coffeehouse and hang out with... someone.
RACHEL: Phoebe's there!
[Joey suddenly perks up at this.]
JOEY: Great!
[He exits. The camera cuts to Ross and Rachel.]
ROSS: [making conversation] So, what have you been doing lately, then?
RACHEL: Well, at work they want me to come up with some designs for next fall season! Isn't that great?
ROSS: Yeah, it is. You finally got what you've always dreamed of. [beat] Wanna go out for dinner?
RACHEL: [taken aback] What?
ROSS: Dinner. The custom of people eating a meal in the evening.
RACHEL: Oh, sorry. It's just that I got the impression you were, y'know, kinda asking me on a date.
ROSS: Rach, you've got nothing to worry about *there*, trust me. I just wanna take you out to celebrate. The fact that Joey and Phoebe will probably have made their own plans by now anyway, especially Joey if I know him at all, and Chandler and Monica definitely won't want to be interrupted is just a coincidence! C'mon, we've got nothing else to do.
RACHEL: Hmmm... alright, then. I'm gonna go get changed.
[Ross gets up and begins to head for the door.]
ROSS: Great. I'll meet you back here in... half an hour?
RACHEL: Sure!
[Ross exits, and Rachel goes into her room.]
[SCENE: The entrance to a big posh building. (We're assuming the restaurant is one of those high rise ones - ie. one that's not on the ground floor. :)) Ross and Rachel are dressed up for dinner, and are waiting for an elevator.]
RACHEL: I'm amazed. How did you manage to get reservations at such short notice?
ROSS: Ah, well... I know people, let's just leave it at that. [Rachel looks at him inquisitively.] Okay, I bribed them. [beat] But I DO know people!
RACHEL: Um, I just need to go freshen up. I'll be back in a minute.
[She heads off towards a door, and goes through it, thinking it's the bathroom. Cut to a storage room, which is what Rachel's managed to enter.]
RACHEL: This isn't a bathroom.
[She tries to open the door, but can't. Uh-oh. :) Cut back to Ross, who is looking impatient.]
ROSS: What's taking her so long?
RACHEL: [from room] Ross?
[Ross goes through the same door Rachel did - cut back to the storage room.]
RACHEL: Ross, don't shut the...
[Too late - Ross has indeed shut the door. :)]
RACHEL: ...door.
ROSS: I thought you went to go freshen up? [looks around] This isn't a bathroom.
RACHEL: You don't say!
ROSS: So why are we in here?
RACHEL: Open the door.
[Ross tries to - of course, he can't.]
ROSS: Um... it doesn't seem to want to open...
RACHEL: Exactly!
*****
Non-Commercial Break :)
*****
[SCENE: As before.]
ROSS: So you were trying to tell me not to shut the door because it doesn't like being opened from the inside?
RACHEL: Not that it doesn't like it, just that it won't!
ROSS: And you couldn't have told me this BEFORE I shut the door?
RACHEL: I TRIED TO!!! Ugh, I'm gonna try and use my phone to get us out of here.
[She pulls her phone out her handbag, and begins dialling.]
ROSS: [confused] Since when did you have a phone?
RACHEL: [sarcastic] Since when did you like dinosaurs?
ROSS: What was that for?!
RACHEL: Well, if you'd let me speak before you shut the door, we wouldn't be in here!!!
[She looks at the phone, then switches it off and puts it back in her bag angrily.]
RACHEL: Great! There's not even a signal on the damn phone, which means I can't dial out for help, which means we're stuck in here!
ROSS: Rach, what is the big deal? So we're stuck in here, so what? I mean, you're claustrophobic, big deal!
[Rachel looks at him, bemused.]
ROSS: You're claustrophobic. I remember that now. [Rachel begins looking nervous] This is a small space. This is a confined space. This is a small, confined--
RACHEL: [nervous] Shut up! I know I'm claustrophobic! I know I don't like small confined spaces! And I also know we're IN a small confined space, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!
ROSS: Just a hunch, but... are you on edge at all?
[Rachel glares at Ross.]
[SCENE: Central Perk. Joey and Phoebe are sitting on the sofa.]
JOEY: So, anyway, I can't go home because the Horny Twins are there, and I've got nowhere to sleep tonight! And I don't have... never mind. [Guess who? :)]
PHOEBE: Oh, that sucks!
JOEY: I know! Where am I gonna sleep tonight? I mean, Rachel might let me, but I'd be putting her out, and then I'd be putting Monica out as well, even though she's not even gonna be there because she's gonna be at my place...
PHOEBE: You know what we need to do?
JOEY: What?
PHOEBE: We need to sneak you back into your apartment so that you can go to sleep in your own bed! [thinks about what she just said] For once!
JOEY: Yeah! I'm not gonna let them stop me from being in my own apartment! If anything, it's *them* who should be in Monica's apartment! [thinks about it] Except that wouldn't work, because Rachel and Ross are there, and *they'd* end up with nowhere to sleep...
PHOEBE: Look, who cares? We're gonna get *you* back in *your* apartment!
JOEY: Yeah!
[They get up and begin to leave.]
JOEY: [as they're leaving] I can get Lava as well now!
PHOEBE: [confused] What?!
JOEY: Uh... nothing! Just thinking out loud!
[They exit.]
[Cut to Chandler and Joey's apartment, where Chandler and Monica are having dinner.]
CHANDLER: Wow, this is really great. Thank you for the wonderful dinner.
[He kisses Monica on the nose.]
MONICA: And thank you for getting rid of Joey for the night.
CHANDLER: That's okay - I let him have his space when he wants it. About time he got to repay the favour.
[They begin to kiss. As they are doing so, the door quietly opens and Joey sticks his head around it. He then drops to the floor and begins doing that crawling thing that spies do when they're trying to get somewhere without being seen. He successfully manages to get to his room without Chandler and Monica, who are still locking lips, noticing a thing. He gives the thumbs up to Phoebe, who has been watching with her head around the door all the time, as discreetly as he can, and she returns it before he shuts the door. Chandler and Monica finally break - it's obvious they have no idea what was going on.]
MONICA: Are you feeling as guilty about keeping Joey out as I am?
CHANDLER: Yeah. Do you think we should go over to your place?
MONICA: Yeah. Ross took Rachel out for dinner anyway.
CHANDLER: [puzzled] How did you...
MONICA: I overheard him making reservations on the phone earlier on.
CHANDLER: Oh. [beat] Well, that's alright then.
MONICA: That's fine!
[They exit. Joey sticks his head out from his bedroom door, sees that Chandler and Monica aren't there, then shuts it again.]
JOEY: [from behind the door] Victory!!!
[SCENE: The storage room at the restaurant. Rachel is now sitting down on the floor, while Ross is doing something completely bizarre with the door and his tie, which he has taken off - just assume that he's trying to get the door open. :)]
ROSS: Okay, I think I've almost done it...
[The tie, at this point, rips in two.]
ROSS: Or maybe not...
RACHEL: What are you trying to do?!
ROSS: I'm *trying* to get the door open *now*, instead of waiting for someone to open it, because *you* are claustrophobic and don't like small spaces!
RACHEL: And how are you doing that, exactly? In some weird, palentologist way?
ROSS: [sighs] It doesn't matter. It's not gonna work, anyway.
[He sits down next to Rachel, who looks upset, and looks at her.]
ROSS: Hey, don't worry. It'll be okay.
RACHEL: [manages a little smile] I know. I just... don't like the idea of being stuck in here in the meantime.
ROSS: Rach, don't worry! It's not as bad as it seems.
RACH: Oh yeah? Then explain this!
[She gets up, and begins walking around the room - well, seeing as it's pretty small, she walks around as much as she can. :)]
RACHEL: We're stuck in a room, with no windows, which means we could use up all the oxygen--
[Ross gets up, and walks towards Rachel - all the time they're getting closer and closer. We get the impression that Ross is trying to distract Rachel from the room in order to calm her down when he's talking, by the way.]
ROSS: [cutting her off] You're so cute when you're upset.
RACHEL: Shut up! Anyway, we could die of lack of light exposure, or dehydration if we're in here long enough, or--
ROSS: [cutting her off again] Really, you are - I could kiss you right now!
[Rachel remains indifferent to this - it appears that Ross's plan isn't working. In other words, she's still going on like a madwoman. :)]
RACHEL: ...And we could be in here for years and years, and then they could finally discover us - or at least what's left of us--
ROSS: [cutting her off, yet again] I'm still in love with you, Rachel.
[Rachel appears to stop and looks at Ross, as if she's taking it in. In other words, it was genuine this time. :)]
RACHEL: [pause] ...And then the poor people that discover us would find these skeletons in our place...
[Ross, finally fed up with talking (and trying to get Rachel out of her hysterical claustrophobic mode), softly kisses her. They look at each other for a moment.]
ROSS: [after a pause] ...So anyway, they couldn't find us dead, because they'll have found us long before then!
[They look at each other (again), then kiss (again). Just as they are kissing, the door opens.]
CARETAKER: Uh... have you two been trapped in here?
ROSS/RACHEL: [while they're kissing - ie. pretty muffled :)] Get out!
CARETAKER: Alright!
[He shuts the door.]
CARETAKER: [from behind door] There's someone in there - you know the drill!
[Ross and Rachel break, and Rachel looks at the door.]
RACHEL: Did someone just come and open that?
ROSS: Um, I think so!
RACHEL: [more uptight] Did someone come and open that?!
ROSS: Yeah!
RACHEL: NO!!!
[She starts banging on the door.]
RACHEL: We're in here, we wanna get out! Please open the door!
ROSS: Rach, calm down! They'll be back in a--
[Ross is cut off by the door opening, which reveals Dr. Carter from ER. Of course, because Rachel is right by it, it hits her on the head.]
DR. CARTER: Hi, m'am, I'll be your doctor this evening, and I must say you're a very fetching patient.
ROSS: A very fetching patient with a boyfriend.
RACHEL: [obviously k.o'd] Oh, look, it's a pretty little bird. Woah...
[She passes out, and Ross catches her.]
ROSS: Okay, I think we have a problem here...
[Fade to Ross and Rachel's bedroom - we're back in "real" land now. Rachel wakes up with a start, which in turn wakes up Ross.]
RACHEL: What did I do? And how many times did I do it?
[It's obvious that Rachel thinks the storage room fiasco happened only a few hours ago. And yes, I KNOW where the line came from! :)]
ROSS: Rach? Honey? Are you okay?
RACHEL: Wha...?! What happened?... We're not in the storage room anymore.
ROSS: Uh, no, Rach, that was three years ago.
RACHEL: Oh. No wonder it seemed so familiar.
[They settle down to go back to sleep again, then...]
RACHEL: Ross?
ROSS: [sighs] Yeah?
RACHEL: Was there ever someone who looked like Dr. Carter at that restaurant we went to that time?
ROSS: No!
RACHEL: Okay. [beat] Did we ever meet him?
ROSS: No!
RACHEL: Okay. [beat] Did Joey ever have a teddy called Lava The Super Teddy?
ROSS: [completely confused] What?!
Special Thanks to Tina for writing the script!